How to master your emotions

We usually think of mastery as being about control and domination. But there’s another kind of mastery that can help us with our moods and emotions.

If I suggest that you can master your emotions, how do you feel about that?

You might be inspired by the possibility of marshalling your resources to overcome obstacles. Enjoying the idea of using your willpower, grit and determination.

Or you might feel uneasy about this. As if you are being asked to get into a fight with yourself. A fight you don’t want to have.

Whatever your feeling, both of these perspectives frame mastery as domination. Having power or control over something.

But there’s another kind of mastery.

A mastery where you have power with something rather than over it.

Not to control it, but to be able to make good choices so that things have the best chance of turning out well.

Rather than domination, this is a kind of cooperation.

Think of a master craftsman working with their chosen material. See how they understand the material, knowing what it can and can’t do. They know how to work within these limits, giving themselves the best chance of getting the best outcome.

Or think of a master sailor. Someone who understands the sea, the weather and all the skills of sailing. The more masterful they are, the more confident they are in difficult conditions. But no matter what, they can’t control the weather. And so there are times when the masterful thing to do is to stay in port.

If we bring this idea to ourselves, mastery doesn’t mean control as much as knowing what to do with challenging situations.

Take anxiety.

What would it mean to have power with anxiety rather than over it?

For one thing, it would mean knowing when anxiety is present so it doesn’t catch you off guard. Being alert to its signs and signals, just like a master sailor reading the weather.

For another, it would mean knowing how to stay relatively relaxed while you are aware of all this. Being able to calm yourself and knowing how to see the bigger picture.

It would also mean doing things that guide your life in directions you care about. So that anxiety can be present without overwhelming you or being the driving force in your life.

The idea of mastery as domination can be appealing. If only we could just control things, it would be so much easier.

But mastery as cooperation makes for a more realistic way of having agency and power in our lives.

So we can make things as good as they can be without getting into fights we can’t win.

Any questions? Feel free to send me an email or schedule a free conversation about mindfulness coaching.