How do you do mindfulness?
It’s as simple as 1, 2, 3

In mindfulness there are three things (or skills) to consider; steadying, seeing clearly and befriending. No matter what mindfulness exercise you do these three skills are there. You will find that certain exercises focus on particular skills. You will also find that every exercise includes every skill. It’s a bit like flexibility, strength, and coordination in physical exercise. These happen in every physical activity. And you can choose to train one aspect more than another.

Whilst these three skills are always present in mindfulness it’s useful to consider them one at a time. That way you can be clear about what’s involved and how you learn them.

Mindful Skill 1 - Steadying

Steadying involves guiding your attention to something that’s easy to feel and comfortable for you. The way you do steadying is to give your mind something that’s easy to feel and comfortable that it can rest with. Over time this strengthens your capacity for steadiness. And it means you don’t get so hijacked or swept away by things. It also makes it easier to recover when you do get caught up.

The feeling of breathing is one of the best-known things you can use to steady yourself. If you find that easy and comfortable you can allow those sensations to fill your mind, if only for a few moments. And if you don’t find that easy or find it uncomfortable don’t worry. There are other things you can choose like feeling your feet on the floor.

Steadying yourself with the feeling of breathing or your feet is a bit like anchoring a boat. Boat anchors don’t stop the waves and depending on the size of the waves the boat will move about more or less. But the anchor helps the boat not get swept away. In the same way, anchoring with something like breathing doesn’t stop your mind from moving about. Yet with practice, anchoring helps you stay steady in the midst of what is happening. This helps you to rest and to be able to engage with what you are facing from a more stable place.

Mindful Skill 2 - Seeing clearly

If you have ever tried steadying your mind, even for a few seconds, you know what tends to happen. You start off feeling something like breathing in and breathing out. And then you are wondering if you sent that email to invite Aunt Jenny to dinner. And then you are thinking that you need to clean the oven. And then you are planning your next big shop which should include some oven cleaner… On it goes until you realise what’s happening and remember what you are doing.

There are endless variations on this theme but you get the point. Minds move around and get tangled up with all sorts of things. Trains of thought. Sensations. Feelings in the body. Things that are going on around you like sounds.

The mindful skill of seeing clearly allows you to get better at noticing what your mind is doing. From there you can guide it in ways that are useful. Doing this brings space to the normal activity of your mind so you can see what’s happening and be more at ease with it.

Mindful Skill 3 - Befriending

Befriending speaks to the way you “meet” whatever it is you are noticing. This way of meeting refers to an inner disposition towards whatever it is you are experiencing. At first, this can be hard to notice as it gets so wrapped up in what you are experiencing that you can’t tell it’s happening.

One easy way to get a sense of this is to use a simple label when you find yourself lost or caught up in something. For instance, if at some point you realise that you have been lost in thought, you can say to yourself “Ah, thinking”. Using a simple label like this helps you to take half a step back from what’s happening. This begins the process of untangling mentioned above.

Next, you can notice what tone of voice you are using with your label. Do you sound impatient? Irritated? Dismissive? Or patient? Relaxed? Curious? Your tone of voice reveals the attitude, in this case towards being lost in thought.

With befriending you’re not pretending to be something but learning to meet yourself as you are. This includes all your inner patterns of irritation, impatience and hostility. Can you meet those with patience and kindness?

Over time this develops your ability to meet whatever is happening with patience and kindness. With practice, this helps you to feel more comfortable in your own skin and more at ease with other people.