When you’re stuck, do you back off or push through?
I love this question.
It gets to the heart of how mindfulness helps us with difficult things.
Because it’s the wrong question.
Not that I blame anyone for asking it.
After all, mindfulness is about taking care of yourself and staying safe. So backing off makes sense. And people talk about being with things and opening up to them. So pushing through makes sense.
The problem with both options is that you miss out on discovering how to relate to what's happening with care and skill. And that’s what helps us.
The reason I love this question is that seeing why it’s wrong shows us the way forward.
And the surprising thing is that that way is to do both things at once (sort of).
A surprising way forward
This came up recently when someone said they wanted to meditate, but sometimes they couldn't be bothered.
So their question was, should I relax and not worry about meditating, or push through and make myself do it?
This person had been learning mindfulness for a while, so my answer was geared towards them. (If you're new to mindfulness, I explore a different angle on this in the FAQ section under “What if I can't be bothered to meditate?")
For this person, we explored how, instead of backing off or pushing through, they could try both at the same time.
And so I invited them to:
Let go of the idea of meditating. This is the backing-off part.
Engage with the feeling of 'I can't be bothered'. This is not exactly the same as pushing through, but it is meeting what is happening.
Opening your heart
Learning to engage with feelings is the mindful skill of opening your heart.
It sounds a bit cheesy, but it's really just about learning how to open up to your feelings so that you don't run away from them.
If you're worried that opening up in this way might be too much for you, that's a valid concern. We shut down for a reason. But it's possible to do this in a way that's manageable. You can do it at your own pace and learn the skills to stay safe as you go (more on this here).
Finding a more creative way
When things are hard, we want them to be easier.
When we push against them and feel stuck, the natural desire is to want the 'block' to go away. If only we could make it magically disappear!
Of course, that's not realistic. And so we are invited to find a more creative way. To engage with what's happening instead of railing against it. With courage, skill and care. This brings healing and helps us cultivate a deeper sense of well-being.