The hidden truth about perfectionism
“Perfectionism is trying to get the world to believe something about you, that you don’t believe about yourself.”
Not good enough.
Three little words at the heart of perfectionism.
They look so innocent.
Urging us to improve.
But all is not as it seems.
Perfectionism is sneaky.
It hides behind objectivity.
"This isn't good enough" and "That isn't good enough", as if it's all about how things are going out there.
It even sounds like it might be useful, driving things forward and making the world a better place.
But it's a lie.
It's time to call BS.
Because what's really being said here is "I'm not good enough" and "You're not good enough".
It's not objective at all.
It's deeply personal and it hurts like hell.
Still, you might think that you deserve it or that you need it to get your arse out of bed in the morning.
Again, not true.
Perfectionism holds us captive with hope.
With the promise that things will get better if we shape up.
But it's an oppressive hope, trapping us in a game we can't win.
Yes, we can work to make things better.
But we don't have to tie being loved to it.
This is the false promise of perfectionism.
That if we change in some way, we’ll be valued and loved.
But being valued and loved isn't something we have to earn. It's not something we have to qualify for.
I know some people act this way, but they do it because they are confused and hurt. They have it wrong.
So we can work to make the world a better place. We can plant seeds and nurture them to grow new things.
But you don't plant a seed, see it grow and then say “Not good enough”.
That would be madness.
Instead, we can learn to grow things with patience, skill and care.
At the same time, if you have a perfectionist streak, you need to take care of it. Otherwise, it will take over when you're not looking.
So what do you do with perfectionism?
Kick it in the arse? Knock it down? Tell it it's wrong?
Tempting, but no. Not a good idea. That’s just going to pour more "not good enough" fuel on the fire.
To tame perfectionism, you need three things.
Calm, clarity and kindness.
Calm gives you a stable foundation. Something you can rely on and draw strength from.
Stability and calm then help you to see clearly when perfectionism shows up. The critical voice in your head. That sense of impending doom when things are uncertain. If you can see it in the clear light of day, it's less likely to take over.
So far, so good. We are somewhat calm and see things clearly.
But one more thing is needed. Kindness.
I know kindness sounds a bit cheesy, but it really is the magic ingredient.
Because if perfectionism is rooted in feeling not good enough, what's needed to heal that?
Love. Care. Kindness.
This is the balm that will soothe perfectionism and let it relax.
Then you can move forward without perfectionism in the driver's seat.
Want to find out more?
Feel free to send me an email or schedule a free conversation about mindfulness coaching.