Mindfulness is not about relaxing

“Mindfulness is not about relaxing.”

You often hear this.

And then you see pictures of peaceful-looking people sitting in meditation.

What’s this all about?

The problem with making mindfulness about relaxation is that it‘s simplistic. As if all you need to do when you’re stressed out is relax. If someone says “just relax” when you’re at your wit’s end you might want to punch them. They may be well-meaning but what they are actually saying is “don’t be stressed out”.

The problem with this - apart from a lack of empathy - is that a useful approach to stress needs to engage with what’s actually happening. And to engage with anything you need to stop dismissing it. So people say “mindfulness is not about relaxing” to counter this simplistic and dismissive approach to stress. This then opens the doorway to being able to engage with what’s happening.

The trouble with saying “mindfulness is not about relaxing” is that it’s kind of off-putting. Most people come to mindfulness to feel more relaxed or calm or peaceful. “Mindfulness is not about relaxing,” asks you to shelve what you want and take a leap of faith that engaging with difficulty is worth doing. If you’re a leap of faith kind of person that’s no problem. But if you’re not, this might get in the way of you learning mindfulness.

Another problem with saying that mindfulness is not about relaxing is that it’s not accurate. Mindfulness involves many things, one of which is relaxation. Rather than relaxation being something you do to get rid of stress, with mindfulness you learn to relax in the face of stress. This is only part of what you do but it is there.

And so “mindfulness is not about relaxing” can stop you from exploring the depths of relaxation that are possible. People often tell me about how calm they felt during meditation and then stop themselves short as if they have done something wrong. “Oh I know that’s not the point,” they say sheepishly. Yet it is the point. But not the only point.

So instead of saying that mindfulness is not about relaxing let’s say that mindfulness is not only about relaxing. We can keep hold of relaxation and include other things as well.

What other things, you ask? Check out the three mindful skills.