How to tame the critic between your ears
We all have an inner critic between our ears, judging what we do and who we are. It may seem that we need this critic or all hell will break loose. But apart from being exhausting and painful, the inner critic can never guide us properly because it's made of fear. There is, however, a way to tame the inner critic and in the process to find a new way of guiding yourself.
"I'm such an idiot".
"Why do I keep doing this?"
"I'll never be able to do that."
We all carry around an inner critic that gives us a hard time.
It can appear as a voice in our head, be it our own or someone else's. For me, it’s more like a disapproving look I give myself, accompanied by a kind of inner 'tut'.
We all know how exhausting it is to be around people who are critical of everything and everyone.
But most of us seem to carry a critic around in our heads, always ready to chime in with a snarky comment.
However we experience it, the critic seems to serve a purpose. Whether it's there to motivate us or protect us, it somehow feels useful. And maybe it was at one point, but in the long run the critic ends up fuelling low self-esteem, social anxiety, depression and procrastination.
For many of us, this critical self-talk is so pervasive that we don't even realise we’re doing it. But when we do start to notice, we can see how bad it makes us feel. Anxious, small, worthless, useless, we can begin to see that we are talking to ourselves in ways that we would never talk to anyone else.
When we see this, it's tempting to argue with the critic. To tell it to shut up, that it's wrong, to leave us alone.
Or we try to hide and run away; keep busy, strive for the next success, pour another drink, reach for more food.
Whatever we do, even if we find temporary respite, the critic soon returns with a vengeance.
It seems that fighting the critic makes it stronger and hiding from it is impossible.
Why is that?
Because, of course, the critic is part of you.
So when one part of you fights another part of you, all you get is more tension and fear, which is what the critic is based on.
And how do you hide from a part of yourself? Sure, you can try, but eventually it catches up with you.
So what do you do?
The trick is to meet the critic with clarity, calm and kindness.
All at the same time.
And that's not a trick like getting rid of the critic. That's just another fear-based strategy.
No, this is a radically different way of relating to yourself.
If you can see the critic with clarity and stay calm and kind, then it loses its power.
And some space opens up for new possibilities.
New ways of motivating yourself that aren't based on the feeling that you're not good enough.
And new ways of directing your actions so that you stay out of trouble, not because you blame yourself, but because you care about yourself.
Want to find out more?
Feel free to send me an email or schedule a free conversation about mindfulness coaching.